I used to think marriage would be easy. You love someone, get along famously and you will live happily ever after.
Reality sets in and I soon realized it takes a lot of work.
I was divorced from my first husband at the age of 25. 25! Most people I know didn’t even get married until they were 25! Which is smart, you typically don’t know your own self until the age of 25. I instill in my oldest daughter, she is to not even THINK about marriage until the age of 25.
Marriages fail for many reasons, while alot of them are because of trust issue, infidelity and lying, others are because people grow apart and nobody wants to work on the marriage. I learned alot about myself during my divorce, alot about my ex husband and his family. While the details of my divorce are not relevant at this point in my life, nor do I feel I need to share them for the sake of our child together, I can tell you it made me stronger, smarter and wiser.
Marriage takes two people, working together, building the life they both want. It’s not one sided, it will NOT work if both partners are not working together.
I married Mr. Right, aka my husband Daniel, in 2014. We had dated long distance for a little over a year, he made the move across the country in 2012 and we moved in with one another and bought our first house by 2013. By 2014, we were hitched on the beach somewhere beautiful and I thought we would be happy, forever and always. We decided to start trying for a baby in Fall of 2015 and we welcomed our beautiful little girl in January 2017.
Man o man, does bringing in a precious little life into this world mix things up.
Everything in our marriage has been wonderful, beautiful and perfect up until a couple weeks ago. I originally wasn’t going to share this, I thought, we will handle this together, quietly and figure it out. Oh but writing is so therapeutic, because being alone with my thoughts most days is so harmful.
Everyday stresses add up and can really take a toll on someone and a marriage. Sometimes we don’t realize this and the bustke of our everyday lives gets away from us and you just get into the same grind, day after day.
To relax and try to unwind, my husband and I like to enjoy a drink (beer or wine, depending on our mood) once in awhile, and after a few drinks after dinner a few weeks ago, my husband, the jokester that he is, made a few racy comments to my best friend and it went a bit too far. It hurt me, emotionally.
I kept thinking how could he say that? Why would you say that to her? I couldn’t even imagine saying that to anyone?! Like seriously dude, after all we’ve been through in 6 years?!
So, we have took a step back to examine our situation and our marriage. Sure having a new baby in our lives and on one income has been tough on us financially as well as emotionally, but is that the reason for those comments to my best friend?!
We fought in private away from our kids and we had some ugly nasty tears rolling. We argued pretty nasty for people who love each other so much. He is embarrassed for what he said, I’m embarrassed for the whole situation and we’ve done alot of talking about EVERYTHING. Some things were said, that obviously can’t be unsaid and we’re hurtful but we can work on it, right?
When you remove the kid’s, house, bills and jobs, what do you have left in a marriage?
We’ve taken a step back and realized we are literally living and breathing just for these things and have forgotten US. We have since removed all beer & wine from our house and it will not be reappearing anytime soon. No more drinking to numb the pain of our everyday chaotic lives just to deal and keep moving.
Since this occurrence, we realized we haven’t taken the time in the past year to have a date, spend one and one time alone over dinner or even go for a walk with just the two of us. We used to love doing silly things together and being active together. But where did all this US time go?
So what do you do? We looked into marriage counseling and since we couldn’t find anyone near us nor anyone affordable 30 miles away, we decided to take this on by ourselves. We can fail or come out on top of our marriage.
Since failing is not an option to either of us, we are working hard to make our marriage matter again.
Our girls are our top priority, they always will be. However, we are next on that list and then followed by everything else in our lives that matter less.
We have since been on a date alone and plan on going on a date every month and to do something we can do without the kids, be it a movie, just dinner late at night alone and uninterrupted, shopping or some other new adventure we find along the way. I don’t care if it’s not spontaneous, we can be spontaneous in other aspects of our lives like the bedroom. We’ve ditched our phones at the dinner table and in bed, along with while we watch TV together. We have made more of an effort to spend alone time together, chatting and just being.
We are a work in progress for sure and I can only pray we stay strong and continue fighting together for our marriage.
I don’t have the answers to it all, nor do I know anyone who does. Sometimes taking a step back from the current situation is all you need to move forward, in the right direction.