The Pill…

Why am I so hesitant to stop the pill after 4 years? I’m happily married to my best friend. The two of us have overcome so much as adults and as a couple. We could do this. We want to do this. It just seems nerve racking. You have all these questions of “What if we can’t have kids?” “What if we don’t become pregnant?” “What if the pain in my back comes back?” “What if we can’t handle two kids?” “What if?” The list seems endless. We also joke about having a new baby and dealing with these tween moments, do we divvy those chores up? Who gets who and deals with what? Do I stay home? Do I continue to work? It seems like we could go a full week with questions. Some are easier to answer than others.

Tick-Tock. Tick-Tock.

I’m 30, that damn clock is ticking in the back of my head, along with a few silver hairs shining brightly on my head. Maybe the idea of starting all the way over is just insane to comprehend at times. SJ is 10, reaching 11 in a few months. Do we really need to start this all over? I know the hubs wasn’t in the picture till SJ was older, but really? Diapers on one, makeup on the other? I don’t know about this. Plus how do you deal with two kids? I’ve never had too, unless it was for very short periods of times. Do you really love them the same? How could I love another child, like I love SJ? She is my world. Even when she hates me.

Hmph.

Financially having two incomes is a sweet deal, most of the time, sure my house isn’t spotless because I’m at work majority of the day but I can afford to grab a coffee on the go once a week! We are still trying to sell our house in one city, while living across the state in another city. But, in a year from now that will most likely be taken care of (better be damn it!). Financially we could make this work, I would give up my shopping for shoes and cardigan sweater addiction and trade that for diapers, butt cream and SJ’s clothes. We would eat out less, only on special occasions. We would seriously have to refocus, which I’m totally okay with. I guess I could work, but that whole daycare thing worries me.

Ugh.

I don’t know. Sleep is precious. I have been able to enjoy it for the past few years as SJ has gotten older. Do I really want to give that up? Plus, I don’t sleep well often enough due to a few medical issues, so maybe this isn’t the right time. But then again maybe it is the right time? I’m not getting any younger, neither is the hubs. Plus we are already looking at pretty far in part ages for the kids if we do have another. I do plan on going back to college this Spring, since I took the Fall session off…..because I have 1 million excuses for doing that. But I could do them online this Spring. Ugh, somedays are better than the other to talk about this!

Lovely.

I’m defiantly in a better relationship than I was before with myself and my spouse. I can tell my husband is supportive in whatever decision I make for my body. Hell, we were discussing kids before we got married last year, but we decided to wait till the beginning of the year. We talked about trying to add to our family with my OBGYN, he gave us the jist of what to buy to prepare for that. Once we talked it over, we decided to wait till things seemed financially stable at work, so then we thought we would wait till I turned the big 3-0! BUT then we found out we are moving and all that jazz, so we waited till my pills ended. So now, at the time I write this, my amazing husband and I have decided to see what will happen. We aren’t trying but we aren’t stopping the good times. Maybe our family will grow someday and maybe it will the stay the same size.  (plus or minus a dog or two)

So goodbye pills, I may see you again someday.

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