Maybe it’s just me, maybe this is normal, but I get dramatically sad reading a negative pregnancy test, especially since a baby is so wanted. I do my best to not let anyone see my emotions throughout the day, well my husband is the only one with me. I cry, silently and go back to bed. A few hours may pass, I will roll back out of bed and be content.
Why? Why am I so emotional about another month of not carrying a baby? I should be content, I tell myself. We have SJ, a happy marriage, few bucks in the bank and love. But then I break down again, with tears rolling. I just want to have a baby, with my amazing husband. SJ want’s to be a big sister.
I know it will happen, when my body is ready. I just feel like an emotional nut job, in the mean time. My period is still outta whack, since it is SO not predictable. That also makes it hard to tell when I’m ovulating. Which is fine, I keep telling myself. So I broke down and bought one of those kits, few months before I told myself I would.
I love how everyone tells you not to worry about it, it will happen when it is supposed too. Yes, it will, but I’m consumed. I’m that creepy chick at the store, staring at newborns and toddlers, like “OMG that baby is so cute, how old?” “Aren’t you the cutest kid ever?!” I swear I’m not really that crazy, I just LOVE the idea of babies. They are so precious. I stare at baby things, like cribs and nursery furniture, I’ve made my check list of what I want this time around. Really leaning towards the nutty factory the more I look at this….
My daughter, SJ, wasn’t planned with my ex. She was the most amazing surprise. I love her more than she will ever know. The weekends and breaks, she is not home with me, are really hard without her. I miss her like crazy, when she isn’t home. She has wanted to be a big sister since she was about 4 years old, which wasn’t gonna happen then. She will tell me at a store, “Mom just look at how cute that baby outfit is! Don’t you want one!?”. She will make a great big sister someday, for now she is the best cousin around!
So my hubby and I will continue to play the waiting game, hopeful and impatient as I am, I will hope for the new year to have another bundle of joy in our life.