My Own Worst Enemy

Sometimes we need to take time off. Time off for ourselves, from ourselves. We can be our own worst critic. I know I judge myself harder than anyone else. 

We live in a society that everything and everyone has to be perfect, but what is perfect? 

I know I struggle with what I think is the perfect body, perfect hair, perfect makeup, perfect outfit and perfect teeth. I want it all and then some, because in my eyes I don’t have the perfect image.

I’m about 4 months post partum, I struggle with my body image. I’ve always struggled with body image. In high school I wanted to be thin, so I tried bulemia. I figured I could fool my folks into thinking I ate food, then go purge it. 

I struggled with body image after my first born, it drove me into a deep depression. I yo yo dieted, lost tons of weight then gained it all back and then some. After my divorce, I struggled with body image. I was so unhappy during my marriage, I didn’t realize I gained 60 pounds. I eventually became obsessed with working out, I was single, so I ran and went to the gym daily. That was my time when my daughter was away. I then met my amazing husband and when we moved in with one another, I stopped running and going to the gym as much. Yet, I’ve always felt beautiful in front of my husband, be it at 150 pounds of 175 pounds. 

 I still struggled with my self image as the weight crept back on. I hated my thighs, my stomach or whatever else. Over a year ago, I learned I had a thyroid imbalance. Of course getting that corrected, led me to finally get pregnant. I did really well not gaining too much weight, but here I sit, 4 months post partum and 17 pounds away from where I started. Which adds to the 30 I was originally trying to lose. 

So I feel not perfect in my own body. In a society where celebrities look like they lost all their baby weight with delivery, I’m here counting my calories and wishing I could go for a run, alone, and get lost in my steps. Yet, that is so hard to accomplish with a baby who is constantly nursing on you. (And that whole thing of losing 500 calories a day while breastfeeding is a load of crap I think)

As I try to focus on the positive in my life, so many wonderful things have been happening, I still go back to my body image. I try my best to not talk about it out loud in front of my 12 year old, I know she has days she struggles with her own body. Is this something we are born with? Or is it just society around us that makes us question everything? 

I have always used positive words and hardly used the words fat in reference to myself in front of her. But here I am, thinking of how fat I have gotten. How can I improve myself and teach her, along with myself to live our bodies, when all I see in the mirror is fat. 

Something I will try to improve with myself, is learning to love my body after baby. Really, this is a journey not all of us face, but many of us do. I know our bodies are amazing for holding these precious babies for 9 months and it’s strong for that, but the aftermath is a hard reality to deal with, when you’ve grown up hating your body for almost 32 years. 

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