Looking at my Marriage

I used to think marriage would be easy. You love someone, get along famously and you will live happily ever after.

Reality sets in and I soon realized it takes a lot of work.

I was divorced from my first husband at the age of 25. 25! Most people I know didn’t even get married until they were 25! Which is smart, you typically don’t know your own self until the age of 25. I instill in my oldest daughter, she is to not even THINK about marriage until the age of 25.

Marriages fail for many reasons, while alot of them are because of trust issue, infidelity and lying, others are because people grow apart and nobody wants to work on the marriage. I learned alot about myself during my divorce, alot about my ex husband and his family. While the details of my divorce are not relevant at this point in my life, nor do I feel I need to share them for the sake of our child together, I can tell you it made me stronger, smarter and wiser.

Marriage takes two people, working together, building the life they both want. It’s not one sided, it will NOT work if both partners are not working together.

I married Mr. Right, aka my husband Daniel, in 2014. We had dated long distance for a little over a year, he made the move across the country in 2012 and we moved in with one another and bought our first house by 2013. By 2014, we were hitched on the beach somewhere beautiful and I thought we would be happy, forever and always. We decided to start trying for a baby in Fall of 2015 and we welcomed our beautiful little girl in January 2017.

Man o man, does bringing in a precious little life into this world mix things up.

Everything in our marriage has been wonderful, beautiful and perfect up until a couple weeks ago. I originally wasn’t going to share this, I thought, we will handle this together, quietly and figure it out. Oh but writing is so therapeutic, because being alone with my thoughts most days is so harmful.

Everyday stresses add up and can really take a toll on someone and a marriage. Sometimes we don’t realize this and the bustke of our everyday lives gets away from us and you just get into the same grind, day after day. 

To relax and try to unwind, my husband and I like to enjoy a drink (beer or wine, depending on our mood) once in awhile, and after a few drinks after dinner a few weeks ago, my husband, the jokester that he is, made a few racy comments to my best friend and it went a bit too far. It hurt me, emotionally. 

I kept thinking how could he say that? Why would you say that to her? I couldn’t even imagine saying  that to anyone?! Like seriously dude, after all we’ve been through in 6 years?! 

So, we have took a step back to examine our situation and our marriage. Sure having a new baby in our lives and on one income has been tough on us financially as well as emotionally, but is that the reason for those comments to my best friend?!

We fought in private away from our kids and we had some ugly nasty tears rolling. We argued pretty nasty for people who love each other so much. He is embarrassed for what he said, I’m embarrassed for the whole situation and we’ve done alot of talking about EVERYTHING. Some things were said, that obviously can’t be unsaid and we’re hurtful but we can work on it, right?

When you remove the kid’s, house, bills and jobs, what do you have left in a marriage?

We’ve taken a step back and realized we are literally living and breathing just for these things and have forgotten US. We have since removed all beer & wine from our house and it will not be reappearing anytime soon. No more drinking to numb the pain of our everyday chaotic lives just to deal and keep moving.

Since this occurrence, we realized we haven’t taken the time in the past year to have a date, spend one and one time alone over dinner or even go for a walk with just the two of us. We used to love doing silly things together and being active together. But where did all this US time go?

So what do you do? We looked into marriage counseling and since we couldn’t find anyone near us nor anyone affordable 30 miles away, we decided to take this on by ourselves. We can fail or come out on top of our marriage.

Since failing is not an option to either of us, we are working hard to make our marriage matter again.

Our girls are our top priority, they always will be. However, we are next on that list and then followed by everything else in our lives that matter less.

We have since been on a date alone and plan on going on a date every month and to do something we can do without the kids, be it a movie, just dinner late at night alone and uninterrupted, shopping or some other new adventure we find along the way. I don’t care if it’s not spontaneous, we can be spontaneous in other aspects of our lives like the bedroom. We’ve ditched our phones at the dinner table and in bed, along with while we watch TV together. We have made more of an effort to spend alone time together, chatting and just being.

We are a work in progress for sure and I can only pray we stay strong and continue fighting together for our marriage.

I don’t have the answers to it all, nor do I know anyone who does. Sometimes taking a step back from the current situation is all you need to move forward, in the right direction.

❤ K

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Tuesday Night at the Gym

I went to the gym last night. It was hot and sticky Tuesday outside. The gym was crowded with people, half my age. I’m 32, nothing like looking at kids working out to stay fit with their boyfriends ((gag)) and show your lumpy butt up. Regardless, I stayed, I worked out. I was sweating and I was getting into my workout.

As I’m on this Elliptical machine for the first time in my life, I think “This isn’t too bad, I got this.” I look back down to the machine’s screen and realize it has only been 5 minutes.

FUCK. I’m sweating bullets already. Like seriously, that’s it!?

I decided I must zone out and keep going. Sweating is good for me, as much as I find it disgusting, maybe I will learn to love it?

Okay, elliptical, it’s you and me. Stride, strut, let’s do this.

I managed to squeeze in 10 more minutes. I burned 200 calories in 15 minutes. Not bad. I was sweating like it was going out of style. OMG I’m soooo out of shape. Why am I sweating so much?

I wiped down the machine, I moved over to the stationary bike. This can go one of two ways. I love the bike and it becomes my new favorite machine or I hate it and I can’t wait to get off of it.

7 minutes in, I’m sweating and I can’t seem to get my speed up or my consistency but I’m sweating like crazy. WTF. I’m slow, I can’t keep this up. FUCK THIS. I would rather be doing laps on my bike around the lake. I only burned 64 calories and I couldn’t stop sweating. Like seriously, gross sweat. Buckets of sweat.

I hate it.

I continue to go until 15 minutes and I’m totally over it. 111 calories. WTF. I should have stayed on the elliptical. I can’t feel my legs.

I chill for a minute, go get the towel to wipe down the machine and move on with my life.

I head over to strengthen my legs on the hip abduction machines, to strengthen my inner thighs and outer thighs. These two machines are my favorite! Strong legs are sexy legs!

I round out my 45 minutes at the gym guzzling water like it’s going out of style. I wipe down the machines and carry myself slowly to the counter to ask for the hours and then refilled my water bottle. Slowly slip outside, sit in my car and turn the AC on full blast, because of course it is 96 degrees at 8pm.

I get home, down some more water. Debate about eating dinner and forgo that completely so that I can shower and crawl into bed.

But hey, I went. Even when I was probably the 3rd oldest person there, by far one of the largest and most likely the sweatiest.

 

Unboxing of the Fall Fab Fit Fun Box

It’s here!

Fall box

I received the Fall Fab Fit Fun box today! I put the little one down for a nap, so I could rip into it and start exploring all the goodies inside! I will be testing them out all month long, stay tuned to see which item I love the best!

Click here to watch the video!

If you want to order your very own Fab Fit Fun Fall box (because come on, they have the cutest stuff) order it here and use the savings code PUMPKINSPICE to save $10!

That is such a great deal, maybe you should order one for your bestie? Maybe your mom? Did you send your daughter off to college this Fall? Let her know you are thinking of her and order her one too!! With a $10 savings, everyone should get one!

Disclaimer: This article contains affiliate links, when you place an order Fab Fit Fun provides me a commision. That helps keep this blog going! 

 

Fab Fit Fun Alert!

::Happy Dance::

I received an email last night that informed me, the Fall edition Fab Fit Fun box as shipped!! Waiting impatiently for it to arrive!!

EEEEKKK!!! So excited!

As soon as it arrives, I will be happy to share with you, an unboxing video on my YouTube channel.

It’s still hot here in Southern Arizona, so it doesn’t feel like Fall just yet, but I can use most of the products right now. I think I will hold off on the scarf and beanie until we get out of triple digits! I think I’m most excited for the cute gym bag, since I just started back at the gym. My tween is excited to try the charcoal toothpaste with me, I think we will have to have a mommy and daughter makeover night! I love how I was able to pick out a few products I would prefer and the rest is a total surprise!

When I paid for my annual access for Fab Fit Fun, I gained select access, meaning I get to choose a few items. Mostly the colors of something, but it’s nice to have a bit of a say in that. I also get my items shipped before others, along with the option to shop for items from previous boxes!

Have you ordered your box yet? Click this link and order your box! Hurry over and score $10 off by using the coupon code: PUMPKINSPICE

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Photo Courtesy of Fab Fit Fun Affiliate Account

Disclaimer: This article contains affiliate links, which means a portion of your purchase goes back to this blogger. 

Goodbye Breastfeeding

I type this with sore eyes and somewhat of a broken heart. I didn’t think it would be over so soon. “Goodbye breastfeeding” I think to myself as my little one is no longer interested in breastfeeding. “Goodbye liquid gold” During a week when her immune system has been low, due to an illness. “Goodbye bonding” During a week we should be snuggling and nursing, not snuggling and guzzling formula.

I have had a low milk supply since the beginning. Which has always bothered me. How can so many other moms feed their babies than pump bottles? Or pump full bottles, where I could barely get 1 full ounce out of a breast. I’ve tried an electric pump, hakaa and a manual pump. Still, with my low supply, I would breastfeed than offer a formula bottle.

I switched my eating habits to completely dairy free for the baby, since she has a milk protein allergy. She has been topped off with Similac’s Alimentum formula since she was 2 months old. That stuff is NOT affordable. sigh…. “Goodbye savings”

I should be proud I stuck with it for as long as I did. She is just shy of 8 months old, but it hurts in a way I wasn’t prepared. Not physically, but emotionally. I’m sad. I’m upset. I’m emotional. I just want to nurture my baby for as long as I can and she already prefers bottles of formula over breastfeeding. I know it’s not ME she is over, even though it hurts. I know it’s probably quicker and easier to drink a bottle than it is to breastfeed from momma.

I think I should have prepared myself better. In different ways. Mostly the emotional part. Over the past couple months, my husband has been putting the little one down, to give me a break with her come 7pm. I would offer breastfeeding first, then daddy would swoop in with a bottle. Before I knew it, she didn’t want to breastfeed. Just wanted daddy with her bottle. Then it became during the day, she just wasn’t interested in breastfeeding at all. She is so busy learning to crawl, playing with toys and the dogs and even with eating, she would pass me up in order to do those.

No more morning snuggles on the couch as she nursed, she passes me up for a bottle. No more midnight breastfeedings, just midnight feedings.

I know I shouldn’t be this emotional. But I’am.

Maybe she is my last baby. Maybe not. I don’t know right now if we really want to have another baby right now. SO I guess I’m treating this as my last opportunity to have been able to breastfeed a baby. I know I should be proud. I know I should feel some sort of freedom.

But I don’t.

I keep telling myself “Well now, no more excuses, get up and work out. She can have a bottle in the stroller while you go for a walk or a run.” “Now you can leave her with someone, without feeling like your breasts are going to explode after two hours and you can feel confident she is fed.” “Now you can get back into your normal shirts and bras.” But a part of me still years for that closeness. That “I need only mommy to comfort me” feeling. I was proud of that. Don’t get me wrong, I love how involved my husband is, he is seriously the most amazing guy, but now I feel like I’m not needed.

I know, I know…that’s silly to think that. BUT I do. I’m sure it will pass. I’m sure in a week or two, this won’t bother me and my proudness of making it nearly 8 months will amaze me.

BUT for now, I will sulk into my wine glass and sob as I stare at the “Tree of life” photo I made of little one and I when she was a couple weeks old.

<3, K

Parenting Moments of August

Parenting in 2017 is something I feel I am constantly failing at. I don’t keep up with trends when it comes to parenting. I do what is right for my girls and what is right for our family.  Parenting pushes you to your limits, when everything was just wonderful a moment ago, you are dealing with some sort of shit show (sometimes literally) and just trying to keep your cool and everyone safe.

I would do anything for my girl’s (within reason). They are my world, my reason for getting up (rested or not) every morning and the reason we sacrifice so much, for the benefit of them. Someday’s one child is more difficult than the other and sometimes they are both perfectly perfect. I like to remember the good days, because life is about making good memories, right?

With that being said, let me get something off my chest. Parenting is FUCKING hard. You are damned if you do or damned if you don’t sometimes. This past month has been so rough on me personally. My youngest has been teething, so bad and she isn’t sleeping much, which means I’m sleeping even less(4 hours on average!). She has been cranky, due to the teething and lack of sleep. My oldest started middle school. This in it’s own is so awesome and exciting but at the same time, it makes me so sad. Wasn’t she just 6? Where has the time gone? 

With middle school starting 10 days ago, she is trying to find new friends, fit in and figure out who she is. I get it. I will support her with what she wants to do, but with this she has frustrated me with how lazy she truly is. I know not every child is an athlete and I would never make her do a sport, if she didn’t show an interest. She decided she wanted to try out for Volleyball, prior to even attending this school. She also decided she wanted to try out for Cross Country, even after we explained what it is. On top of that she wanted to attend a program after school called Excel 2, which offers homework help, academics and once those are completed children can participate in a fun, rewarding activity.

As I signed these forms last week, for her to attend, I explained to her I think she is putting too much on her plate. She stated she still wanted Volleyball, but if she didn’t make that she would do Cross Country and then attend Excel 2 on the day’s she doesn’t have practice. (Okay great, she figured it out….good for her for overachieving.)

Well, like I predicted, she HATED Cross Country, because, get this….they RUN!? No shit?! Again, my child, not very athletic but hey she tried. Volleyball tryouts are here. “OMG, YAY, finally you get to try a sport you have been obsessed with for 4 years!” I say and she seemed excited, but not. (Maybe it’s her age, I don’t know) We remind her to look up different terms, head down to the park and see if you can jump in on a game to practice. Hell we will go practice with you, if you ask… 

In the two weeks prior tryouts, she never did. 

She even scored an extra day to prepare, when tryouts we’re postponed, but still no effort. 

Well she could obviously care less all a sudden. I got a text yesterday “Mom I wore the wrong shoes.” Okay, wait, what? You have known about this before school started, how do you not have the right shoes with you?! No answer. “Mom I threw up.” OMG WHAT? Like what are you doing to throw up? Do I need to come get you?! Then she came home from tryouts to tell me it was the coaches fault, because they weren’t instructed to stretch first.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?

So this week, my daughter has stayed up past bedtime (not researching Volleyball bit playing or something). She has been late to the bus, which is literally across our street and she even missed it. 

She has neglected to brush her teeth before school TWICE, because she “didn’t have enough time.” She has drenched the bathroom in water, because why the hell would you dry off on the rug next to the tub? She has then complained about any physical activity regarding sports, walking or the stairs and now it’s the coaches damn fault because she didn’t spend the 45 minutes before tryouts and become productive and stretch. She also found every reason not to go to tryouts today. 

I cant even.

Today was the second day of tryouts. She decided it wasn’t for her, because apparently everyone already knows everything about the game. (I assure they her do not, they probably just watched some informational videos on the subject instead of some stupid cat video on YouTube!)

As a parent who doesn’t want their child to give up so quickly, I let her decide what she was going to do, but I informed her I wanted her to attend because I think it would be idea to go give her best and learn from that if she wasn’t able to make the team, because hey at least she tried. I then informed her I was disappointed she was willing to give up something she wanted so badly because it appeared hard, but ultimately she had to live with her decision.

She replied “Please don’t say it’s my loss, ok?”

My reply was “Okay, but you will be paying us back for all the items you HAD to have us buy you for the tryouts.”

I’m disappointed she didn’t stick it out and at least see if she would have made the team. I’m upset I’ve had to become even more strict on her this week, when it comes to her free time. (Apparently too much free time is a bad thing for her, she becomes lazy, rude and forgets to do the simplest tasks (like brushing her teeth!)). I’ve implemented new rules when it comes to screen time, too much of that is bad thing.

I don’t want to be that nagging mom, I don’t want to be at odds with her, I just want her to take the accountability and responsibility of her own actions. No child wants to hear their parents are disappointed in them. She ultimately decided Excel 2 was best for, (so why the hell did I drop $80 on sports equipment for you, for nothing?!?!). I’m all for academics and tutoring if needed followed by a cooking class, I just hope she sticks with this too.  

Parenting is hard, but these hard days too shall pass. It’s not always going to be sunshine and rainbows. In order to get that rainbow, we need to have a few rough days. And maybe a taller wine glass.